I’ve spent the weekend sorting out all those e-mails that come my way. 

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. I’m still waiting to hear from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.  I can’t think what’s taking so long, he’s had my bank account details for days now.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

On the positive side I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.   I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

After sifting through all those e-mails all I can say is thank goodness for food.  Always there to inspire, sustain, bring friends and family together and give us the opportunity to show others how much we love them.  Incidentally, the Bavarois gets made next week.  I can’t wait!

By the way just found one more which says....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ, who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.